And all you see, is every possibility to not be alone.

 

 

I work (normally ha) a 17 day on rotation where I am living in a hotel and working at a project an average of 60 hours a week, and then I get to drive home, have 4 days of “downtime” (for my sanitys sake we’ll refer to it at DT) and then drive back. For the most part, this works out really well.

Only, some times it doesn’t.

I went home this weekend for dt (drive day wednesday, home thursday friday saturday sunday and drove back today). I had an awesome weekend, had dinner and drinks and played dancing games on the wii on Wednesday night with my sister, bestie/boo, and bro-mo. Thursday and Friday were more chill days, slept in, did laundry, cleaned, hung out with my main gay (aka Bro-mo). Over the weekend (Saturday into Sunday) I went with my bestie to her alma-mater and partied it up with her old roommates. I finished off my weekend watching the AFC and NFC Championship games (of which both broke my heart by more on that later – or not).  —All in all it was a perfect weekend.

Now. Normally I get to go back to work knowing that in 2 and a half weeks I will be going home again. Except, this time not so much. My next downtime doesnt start until February 16th, and that just seems so far away. On top of that,  I walked into my project today and have heard nothing but complaints about anything and everything since I got here, and I don’t even want to be in charge of this project in the first place.

I am bored with my job. I do not want to promote within my current field of project management. I want to go back to school, get my degree in Human Resources, and get the hell out of this shit — but its not working out that way. I can’t afford college right now, this job pays to well to just leave or quit or anything.

On top of all of that I am quite depressed, and my mood is cycling so fast it makes my head spin.

 

I’m just a whiny bitch and need to to suck it up and get the fuck over it. But I can’t.

Nobody ever said being a grown up would be easy, or fun — but I was crossing my fingers.

I don’t wanna die in my hometown, bury my bones in your holy ground.

 

Back into the swing of life. I am running the biggest project I have ever had before and this is my first weekend off since it started. The entire time I’ve been home I have been roving the interwebs, watching netflix, vegging out.

Although I know that I need to put some serious time into myself if I want to ever find love and not die alone, I am not really interested at this point. When I am on the road, I focus on work, and I go and do and see anything and everything I can. When I come home for my 4 days a month, all that I want to do is veg, hang out with my family, drink alone or with friends, and just do normal things that I can’t do on the road because everyone I truly love is 400 miles away.

I havent felt the pull of depression for a few weeks now, which probably has a lot to do with some co workers being assigned to my project and therefore I am no longer living in a hotel room alone. However, even with one of my best work friends living 50 yards from me on the other side of the hotel room, sometimes on a friday night all I want to do is go sit at Barnes and Noble and read while I drink coffee and relax. As much as I want to live my life fully, sometimes I have to remind myself that a life of fullfillment means a life full of happy moments, even if those moments are lame to everyone else but yourself.

This probably doesnt make any sense but I have finally realized and fully understand that to live a life worth looking back and smiling upon, does not mean that everyone involved needs to appreciate my quiet moments. There is something beautiful in reading an entire novel in one sitting without even having to leave the store. Plus – yummy coffee.

I have always been a very extroverted individual, very social. Each year as I get old though, I realize my love for my time spent by myself. 3.5 years ago when I first moved into my own apartment, no roommates, is when I realized that a movie theater by yourself is just as fun if not more than going with friends or a loved one. You can choose whatever movie you want without judgement, and no one steals your popcorn. Shopping by yourself is also fulfilling. I can spend as much or little time as I want in each store, pass by the popular stores for the lame ones, pick up and put down the same things over and over and over again.

There is one stipulation to this. Time spent alone is best when the alone time is an option picked over spending time with loved ones. When all of alone time is spent that way because one has no other option, it is severely detrimental to the positivity of the alone time.

There’s a noise in my head like television static.

I slept in a bad situation last night. I must have moved about a half an inch and lost all the perfect pillow support that I had configured. Woke this morning stiff, sore, and swollen. Which means I have to call off work again today. Now, for normal people, calling in for two days in a row is probably not cause for stress, however since becoming salaried I have never been explained our attendance policy — Ohh because we don’t have one. Which stinks, because instead of knowing if what you’re doing is right or wrong, its a constant guessing game. And I always feels like a worthless sack of shit if I have to call off for a shift – because I live in a hotel on my companies dime. I feel awful taking two days off which they pay me for, pay for my hotel, and my meals. That makes me feel like the acumen of the earth. But yet, when it comes down to it, it I am deathly ill or incapacitated by pain, I have to take off from work. And my father says that the way the don’t supply us with attendance materials is to keep us from missing work unless absolutely necessary – well, it works.

Standing on a street corner waiting for my love to change.

Amen, John Waters.

I have been laid up in my bed for a day and a half, after throwing my back out STANDING ABSOLUTELY STILL DOING NOTHING. Ain’t life grand? So, this is an affliction that has been chasing me for 5 years – every once and a while my femoral head dislocates (essentially – my hip bone) and I am in screaming pain any time I try to move until I get to see God (aka the chiropractor) and they fix it. Then I have about 24 hours of laying around doing nothing except ice bags every other 15 minutes and rubbing biofreeze EVERYWHERE. What this diatribe is meant to express is, I had a lot of extra time on my hands today.

So What did I do With That Extra Time?

Watched a Law and Order Marathon on the USA network, of course. And read. I actually re-read and entire novel today that took me 3 weeks to read the first time through. Anthropology of an American Girl by Hilary Thayer Hamann. I absolutely love this novel, and I am now considering it my bible. I recommend that every girl read this book at age 15, again at 18, 23, 25, 31, and so on. I am a firm believer in the idea represent in Catcher in the Rye that every time you view something, read something, experience something, etc – you see it through a different lens than the last time you did whatever it was, depending on the roads you have taken and events that have happened in your life – and this books is a prime example. Women will always have a very strong reaction to this book, however depending on what stage of your life you are in you are going to take different things from it.

“This ambitious work explores the sexual and intellectual awakening of a young American woman struggling to remain true to herelf as she encounters love, passion, and death amid the challenges and heartbreaks of growing up.”

This is how the books website itself describes it. This is all very accurate, however AOAAG is so much more than that. It is coming-of-age novel that explores not only the trials and tribulations of growing up, but the effect your life choices have on everyone else around you – or the non-effect that is simply heartbreaking. It looks at the relationships between generations, as well as the difference between a school age friendship//adult friendship, and what it takes for a young girls crush to develop into mature love. Also the weights and measures put on ones soul when deciding whether to do the right thing, the smart thing, the easy thing, or to follow the path your heartstrings lead you down – and neither of these things follow the same guidelines.

Evie has to constantly reinvent herself and her outlook on the world just so simply exist and also to not make a huge hypocrite out of herself and her life. It truly examines the coming of age process on a whole new level.

SO! Buy it, read it. Re read it. Make sure you have some tissues, and a highlighter. Maybe some post-it bookmarks. And then comment below and tell me what you think. I enjoy other peoples opinions – why would we all have differing opinions if not to share them?

I was afraid, like you are when youre too young to know the time

I wouldn’t. I don’t grade my books. The books are the best thing I’d written at a particular time of my life, it’s really interesting. I don’t rate them, I don’t stack them up against each other, I don’t compete with them, I don’t feel I have to outdo them, I just write the book I feel like writing at the time that I write the book. -Bret Easton Ellis Oct. 2011

I’m trying to read this Bret Easton Ellis interview and its really frustrating because I always have a constant backlog of books I am supposed to have read/be reading in order to be a productive member of my generation and at any given time there are 10-20 in a basket in my car and at least 25 “saved for later” on my amazon.com account and just as fast as I read one, five more are added to the list… And anyway to get back on topic I can’t read this interview because I keep having to skip the relevant parts because I have only read Less Than Zero at this point, and I own American Psycho and of course I’ve seen the movie years ago but I have yet to read the book, and I didnt even know that Rules of Attraction was his, I saw that movie years ago and assumed it was written by some random, so as soon as I found out it was his I bought it in the Amazon marketplace for like 67 cents used but either way the books are going to be going to my Dad’s house since I dont have my own permanent address, and I won’t be there until Christmas so meanwhile the interview, which is from October as it is, is sitting in a tab in my browser. luckily I never close my browser.

Why can’t we not be sober?

10:04pm. I’m having issues dealing with the fact that my weekend is over. I very rarely actually get a weekend and when I do get one I never seem to utilize it fully, and its over before I know it. The majority of this past weekend was spent pining.

²pine – verb

pined  pin·ing

Definition of PINE

1 : to lose vigor, health, or flesh (as through grief) : languish

2: to yearn intensely and persistently especially for something unattainable <they still pined for their lost wealth

Fortunately, or unfortunately – however you choose to look at it – I was not pining over the same thing the entire 48 hour span of the weekend.

Although most of the coveting I did this weekend was of the Christmas presents I was purchasing for friends and families.. I tend to buy people presents that I would want myself – the rest of the time was spent debating the positives and negatives of having a crush on a girl who claims to not like girls (anymore – which is what causes the main issues) and has no clue that I am even slightly interested in her, and has a boyfriend.

The granny-glasses angel that has attracted my emotions on and off for over a couple of years now was rumored to have been a LUG in highschool, although now she exclusively dates boys and her facebook info is officially interested in men. NOW – I believe in the fluidity of sexuality and therefore I feel that the case is probably that she is a bisexual or lesbian, who, leaving the comfort of the people she grew up with, decided that she was now going to go the straight and narrow route and date boys. This is very frustrating, even to a queer girl like me – with her left foot stuck firmly in the proverbial closet.

blah word vomit. I want to make pretty lady kisses with her waif-y hipster self.

a brief bio

these are briefs

and this is a bio:

24 years old, femme queer woman.

I do Project Management for a major retail corporation and therefore I live in hotels

throughout New England 10 months a year.

I have a couple of very close very important friends, and

if someone does something to piss them off, it is buyer beware. Mama Bear will attack.

I am an oldschool book worm. I received one of those e-readers for Christmas last

year, but I can’t get past the amazing-ness of an actual novel. The smell, the weight,

being able to judge my progress with the creases in the binding.

I am fiscally conservative and socially liberal. I am registered

Republican so that I may vote in the primaries, and I have to weight

the importance of my civil liberties against the importance of not being raped

by the government in every paycheck. Also I wish to retire one day and

I can’t fund a 401K if I’m paying out the ass in taxes.

I will hang out with anyone who is willing to ride around in a car on

a sunny day, and put up with my constant karaoke.