And all you see, is every possibility to not be alone.

 

 

I work (normally ha) a 17 day on rotation where I am living in a hotel and working at a project an average of 60 hours a week, and then I get to drive home, have 4 days of “downtime” (for my sanitys sake we’ll refer to it at DT) and then drive back. For the most part, this works out really well.

Only, some times it doesn’t.

I went home this weekend for dt (drive day wednesday, home thursday friday saturday sunday and drove back today). I had an awesome weekend, had dinner and drinks and played dancing games on the wii on Wednesday night with my sister, bestie/boo, and bro-mo. Thursday and Friday were more chill days, slept in, did laundry, cleaned, hung out with my main gay (aka Bro-mo). Over the weekend (Saturday into Sunday) I went with my bestie to her alma-mater and partied it up with her old roommates. I finished off my weekend watching the AFC and NFC Championship games (of which both broke my heart by more on that later – or not).  —All in all it was a perfect weekend.

Now. Normally I get to go back to work knowing that in 2 and a half weeks I will be going home again. Except, this time not so much. My next downtime doesnt start until February 16th, and that just seems so far away. On top of that,  I walked into my project today and have heard nothing but complaints about anything and everything since I got here, and I don’t even want to be in charge of this project in the first place.

I am bored with my job. I do not want to promote within my current field of project management. I want to go back to school, get my degree in Human Resources, and get the hell out of this shit — but its not working out that way. I can’t afford college right now, this job pays to well to just leave or quit or anything.

On top of all of that I am quite depressed, and my mood is cycling so fast it makes my head spin.

 

I’m just a whiny bitch and need to to suck it up and get the fuck over it. But I can’t.

Nobody ever said being a grown up would be easy, or fun — but I was crossing my fingers.

I don’t wanna die in my hometown, bury my bones in your holy ground.

 

Back into the swing of life. I am running the biggest project I have ever had before and this is my first weekend off since it started. The entire time I’ve been home I have been roving the interwebs, watching netflix, vegging out.

Although I know that I need to put some serious time into myself if I want to ever find love and not die alone, I am not really interested at this point. When I am on the road, I focus on work, and I go and do and see anything and everything I can. When I come home for my 4 days a month, all that I want to do is veg, hang out with my family, drink alone or with friends, and just do normal things that I can’t do on the road because everyone I truly love is 400 miles away.

I havent felt the pull of depression for a few weeks now, which probably has a lot to do with some co workers being assigned to my project and therefore I am no longer living in a hotel room alone. However, even with one of my best work friends living 50 yards from me on the other side of the hotel room, sometimes on a friday night all I want to do is go sit at Barnes and Noble and read while I drink coffee and relax. As much as I want to live my life fully, sometimes I have to remind myself that a life of fullfillment means a life full of happy moments, even if those moments are lame to everyone else but yourself.

This probably doesnt make any sense but I have finally realized and fully understand that to live a life worth looking back and smiling upon, does not mean that everyone involved needs to appreciate my quiet moments. There is something beautiful in reading an entire novel in one sitting without even having to leave the store. Plus – yummy coffee.

I have always been a very extroverted individual, very social. Each year as I get old though, I realize my love for my time spent by myself. 3.5 years ago when I first moved into my own apartment, no roommates, is when I realized that a movie theater by yourself is just as fun if not more than going with friends or a loved one. You can choose whatever movie you want without judgement, and no one steals your popcorn. Shopping by yourself is also fulfilling. I can spend as much or little time as I want in each store, pass by the popular stores for the lame ones, pick up and put down the same things over and over and over again.

There is one stipulation to this. Time spent alone is best when the alone time is an option picked over spending time with loved ones. When all of alone time is spent that way because one has no other option, it is severely detrimental to the positivity of the alone time.

There’s a noise in my head like television static.

I slept in a bad situation last night. I must have moved about a half an inch and lost all the perfect pillow support that I had configured. Woke this morning stiff, sore, and swollen. Which means I have to call off work again today. Now, for normal people, calling in for two days in a row is probably not cause for stress, however since becoming salaried I have never been explained our attendance policy — Ohh because we don’t have one. Which stinks, because instead of knowing if what you’re doing is right or wrong, its a constant guessing game. And I always feels like a worthless sack of shit if I have to call off for a shift – because I live in a hotel on my companies dime. I feel awful taking two days off which they pay me for, pay for my hotel, and my meals. That makes me feel like the acumen of the earth. But yet, when it comes down to it, it I am deathly ill or incapacitated by pain, I have to take off from work. And my father says that the way the don’t supply us with attendance materials is to keep us from missing work unless absolutely necessary – well, it works.