I don’t wanna die in my hometown, bury my bones in your holy ground.

 

Back into the swing of life. I am running the biggest project I have ever had before and this is my first weekend off since it started. The entire time I’ve been home I have been roving the interwebs, watching netflix, vegging out.

Although I know that I need to put some serious time into myself if I want to ever find love and not die alone, I am not really interested at this point. When I am on the road, I focus on work, and I go and do and see anything and everything I can. When I come home for my 4 days a month, all that I want to do is veg, hang out with my family, drink alone or with friends, and just do normal things that I can’t do on the road because everyone I truly love is 400 miles away.

I havent felt the pull of depression for a few weeks now, which probably has a lot to do with some co workers being assigned to my project and therefore I am no longer living in a hotel room alone. However, even with one of my best work friends living 50 yards from me on the other side of the hotel room, sometimes on a friday night all I want to do is go sit at Barnes and Noble and read while I drink coffee and relax. As much as I want to live my life fully, sometimes I have to remind myself that a life of fullfillment means a life full of happy moments, even if those moments are lame to everyone else but yourself.

This probably doesnt make any sense but I have finally realized and fully understand that to live a life worth looking back and smiling upon, does not mean that everyone involved needs to appreciate my quiet moments. There is something beautiful in reading an entire novel in one sitting without even having to leave the store. Plus – yummy coffee.

I have always been a very extroverted individual, very social. Each year as I get old though, I realize my love for my time spent by myself. 3.5 years ago when I first moved into my own apartment, no roommates, is when I realized that a movie theater by yourself is just as fun if not more than going with friends or a loved one. You can choose whatever movie you want without judgement, and no one steals your popcorn. Shopping by yourself is also fulfilling. I can spend as much or little time as I want in each store, pass by the popular stores for the lame ones, pick up and put down the same things over and over and over again.

There is one stipulation to this. Time spent alone is best when the alone time is an option picked over spending time with loved ones. When all of alone time is spent that way because one has no other option, it is severely detrimental to the positivity of the alone time.

between the drinks and subtle things; through the holes in my apologies

Why do we, as women, allow the opposite sex to define our self-worth? Why do we surround ourselves with people who tear us down as opposed to build us up? And why do people feel the need to put other people down in order to make themselves feel better?

quote by me. apparently I made quite a splash on faceyspace this weekend after posting this because my monologue made its rounds on various status updates, both admirable and put-downish.

We all know that my motto is Why Do We All Have Differing Opinions If Not To Share Them? But I see a huge difference in a differing opinion and being downright mean. A bully, if you will. Maybe its because I am naturally friendly but I have serious issues with people being just plain mean. There is no reason for it. Voice your opinion, but what is the point in saying something specifically designed for no other intention than to hurt another human being?

I posted this quote on fb in response to a conversation I had with my best friend.  Best friend, we’ll call her B for anonymity sake, broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years at some point over the course of summer and fall. This breakup had been a long time coming, and quite honestly I can’t even pinpoint a date when they actually broke up for good because for a while it had been an on again off again kind of deal. Both parties truly did love each other, however they made each other crazy both purposefully and accidentally. B hasn’t had the best track record with boyfriends, however I would have called the latest one the best of the bunch so far, even gone so far as to say that I can picture down the road them getting back together and in a more mature state in their lives, getting married and living happily ever after. I truly thought for a while that he was the best thing to ever happen to her. That is, until he said it.

B’s ex is now involved with a new girl. They have been dating some considerable amount of time, 3-4 months – and from the exterior she seems like a great girl and I was trying to be happy for him moving on and blah blah blah but turns out she talks shit about B and doesnt even know her so that bitch can fall in a pit of cow manure for all I care. The other night, the ex told B that he is still in love with her, that he is the best thing that ever happened to her, and asked her if she would date him again should things fall through with him and new girl.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

What on god’s green earth makes men think it is alright to request that we wait around to see if their new fling will work out, sit on the bench and just wait for them? Waiting around for a man is only acceptable in two situations – if they are in a time of grieving and you are NOT going to be the girl that jumps on a widower like its Black Friday at Walmart; and if they are active military. It is downright disrespectful for someone to even consider making a girl monitor the sidelines while they “see if it works out” with so-and-so. What woman in their right mind is okay with being told You Are My Second Choice?

If you want me, and you mean it – not just want me on the side, want me in your life as a serious thing — you want me now. Not later.

Now, after all that, I can truly say that maybe her ex was the best thing that ever happened to her – because after that lowdown dog move he pulled, she knows that she cannot allow her self worth be defined by a man.